I had so much planned for us. Shopping trips; she loved retail therapy, which I'm pretty sure is where I learnt it from! I was going to take her around the gorgeous National Trust houses that are in the area. We were going to go for pub lunches and afternoon tea. But we ran out of time. She was misdiagnosed or should I say not diagnosed at all, until it was far too late, with throat cancer. So instead of taking her out I was organising her care and comforting her, reassuring and loving her. Trying to fill her last few weeks with happiness. Which I think I managed; we all managed. Bex visited her everyday and Ben flew out and spent a week with her, missing an award ceremony. We made memories before time ran out. But it did run out, so quickly. The deterioration was rapid as the cancer had had a few years to get hold before the wonderful staff at her care home and her new GP could even begin to realise the depth of the disease. They tried though, we all tried.
As with my dad, I was blessed to be able to be with mum right at the end. I hardly left her side. The carers where amazing and stayed with her all night so I could get some sleep. I had plenty of time to stroke her hair and hold her hand; to thank her for everything she's ever done for me. To tell her over and over again how much I love her. To reassure her when she was frightened and tell her that dad was waiting for her and he had missed her. That it was time for them to dance again, to drink champagne.
I miss her. I will always miss her. I miss my dad. I'll always miss him.
This brings me back to Mother's Day. Oh, how I wish I could celebrate with mum this year. Take her flowers, hug her and spoil her as she deserves.
So let's put it in perspective. Your mother's heartbeat is the first you ever heard. She protected you long before you made an entrance into this world. Now, I know not all mother-child relationships work out and that saddens me. There are many reasons that a family relationship breaks down but for this blog, I'm talking about celebrating these wonderful women. If you have a bad relationship with your mum, maybe you can think about making tentative steps towards healing it. Who knows, maybe your mum is as distraught, angry and confused as you are. You know, we generally are!
I infuriate Ben and Bex on a regular basis. They get fed up with me, they laugh at me, they probably talk to each other about me. And amongst all of that, they love me and support me. Comfort me and guide me. They inspire me as I hope I do them.
But your mum has taught you most of your early needs; she taught you how to feed yourself, how to explain your feelings and needs, to wash yourself and go to the toilet. I can guarantee she's lied for you on more than one occasion. Avoiding a disagreement between you and your dad. Years ago there was a marmite advertisement that showed a dad pacing the hallway waiting for his daughter to return. She's late and he's mad. The mum makes them marmite on toast and all is well within their world! Oh, how I wish it was that easy. But this is what mum's do. We negotiate with our children behind their father's back. We explain why our child is doing what they're doing to our husbands. We try to pave the way for an easier family unit. Sometimes it works and at others it doesn't. But we try. We want our family to be happy, we don't want a small issue to blow up and become insurmountable. No mother wants to see their family fall apart. So we referee sibling rows, even to the point that we sometimes send the innocent party upstairs out of the way. We discipline our children quietly and not in front of others because we know it's an emotional tightrope, no matter what age our child is. Whether it's a tiny baby who is unable to explain why they are crying, the toddler who can't understand why they can't eat the cat food, the preteen who feels absolutely, one hundred percent grownup or the teenager who has enough hormones raging within them to cause a small tsunami in a swimming pool.
And let's not forget this list of jobs that a mother does each and every day, 12 months a year, 24 hours a day. She's a cook, a bottle washer. She's your tutor and confident. Party planner and taxi service. Nurse, housemaid and counsellor. But most of all, she's got your back. She's worrying about you continually and praying that your life is simple and exciting, without heartache and struggle. These are all the things I'm grateful for but I'm unable to tell my beautiful Mama.
So on Mother's Day, in fact everyday just let her know you're ok, that you love her. Sometimes a 😊 is all it takes; somedays she might need a phone call or a hug.