But last Wednesday, as for the previous three days, my body literally hurt all over. This isn't the same ache you get from flu or from exercising, this a deep down, through and through pain, from my muscles to my bones. Even brushing my teeth was painful in the morning. Moving my hands to type was painful. To be honest I wanted to sit and cry I was that tired. It's a horrible way to feel. It doesn't help that my thermostat is all over the place, one minute I'm freezing and then I'm so hot it's like sitting in an oven. My poor hubby has decided that he needs to wear a beanie in bed because his ears get so cold. If he does actually resort to the bed beanie I shall definitely take a photo and post it on Instagram! Haha.
To be honest I think that it might be self inflicted, not for doing anything stupid but because I'd grown accustomed to feeling so well. For the last few weeks, I've been up bright and early; well, early by my standards! But I've been in the pool by 10am and life has been on a very even keel. It's been great. Obviously I've grown accustomed to my new normal and haven't been allowing myself a day off to regroup and rest each week. Lesson learnt. One day off a week is better than being knocked flat for three days in a row. And then I'm left feeling miserable with myself. That deep tiredness is not pleasant and I'd hoped not to feel it again.
Fatigue
"Fatigue is hard to describe. You feel like you don't have any energy and are tired all the time. But there's not a specific cause, such as doing errands all day, working out, or other exertion. When you're tired from exertion, if you get enough sleep that night, you usually feel better the next day. With fatigue, you feel generally tired all the time and lose interest in people and the things you normally like to do.
Fatigue is the most common side effect of breast cancer treatment. Some doctors estimate that 9 out of 10 people experience some fatigue during treatment. Fatigue from treatment can appear suddenly and can be overwhelming. Rest doesn't ease fatigue and it can last for months after treatment ends."
The thing about fatigue is that it doesn't just affect me physically, it affects me mentally too. My brain feels sluggish and I feel anxious. So I guess I need to remember to allow myself time out. The problem is that I refuse to be a victim to these side effects, I refuse to let them control me and in trying to be normal (at this point I should say that both Ben and Bex would state that I've never been normal) I forget that I need to give my body a rest. Being in control is very important to me.
Anxiety
"Anxiety is a feeling of fear or uneasiness. Mild anxiety is part of every day life. You might feel anxious before you take a test or attend an important meeting at work. This kind of anxiety can help you by making you more alert or careful. Mild anxiety goes away after you're out of the situation that caused it.
If you've been diagnosed with breast cancer, you might feel anxious, angry, and sad all at the same time. It's normal to be afraid of something that can threaten your life."
So anxiety is actually a worse thing for me. Having suffered from panic attacks in the past I work very hard not to allow them to happen again. I cultivate a positive outlook on life and I look for the good in everyday. I know the reasons why I had panic attacks and they're in the past. Very obvious reasons; divorce and bereavement. But because I've had them in the past, even feeling anxious makes me feel vulnerable. I've moved on from the angry and sad stage of my diagnosis. I'm proud to say I HAD cancer, I'm a survivor.
But maybe the reason I was at a low ebb last week was because my lovely hubby was away. He's my rock and my support, he gives me something to look forward to each evening. It's my favourite part of the day, when he comes home. And if I'm tired or anxious, he hugs me and tells me everything is going to be ok. So last week I had to accept my fatigue and ignore my anxiety because there's absolutely no reason for it. Today, I'm going to remind myself not to over do it, that it's ok to rest as often as I need to, to remember to listen to this body of mine and if it's sending out false readings to over ride it and rest anyway.
Rest
1. Cease work or movement in order to relax, sleep, or recover strength.
2. Allow to be inactive in order to regain strength or health.